Adulthood Delayed-
For young people in their 20's, living at home is just part of
today's lifestyle
By Maria Pascucci
(Originally published in The Buffalo News)
Michelle Ashbery is 25 years old and still living at home with
her father and stepmother. According to her, they like it that
way. At least, she'd like to think so. Then again, her dad and
stepmom have threatened to kick her out of their Tonawanda home
when she graduates next year.
"I'm hoping that my parents are kidding, but I'm a little
nervous," said the Buffalo State College student.
For Valentine's Day this past February, Ashbery's mother gave
her an odd but telling present. "I don't even live with my
mom, and she gave me a set of pots and pans for "when you
move out someday,' " she rants. "Can you believe it?"
Actually, it's not that hard to believe, because more and more
parents are waiting longer than ever for their nests to become
empty. According to a March 2004 online survey conducted by Monster-TRAK.com,
60 percent of college students reported they plan to live at home
after graduation. Twenty-one percent said they plan to remain
there for more than a year.
And as reported by the New York Times, an increasing number of
20-somethings believe that home is where the parents are. The
U.S. Census Bureau reported in 2000 that 56 percent of men aged
18 to 24 lived at home with one or both parents, while 43 percent
of women in this age group lived at home.
But beyond living with their parents, a large portion of today's
20-somethings are putting off the responsibilities generally associated
with adulthood, like marriage, kids and mortgage payments, to
pursue their careers, travel, find their identities and have fun
with their friends.
When I asked some local young adults what was the first thing
that came to mind when I said the word adult, their answers were
best summed up by Ashbery, who said, "Baby, mortgage payments,
husband, old."
"Emerging adults enjoy what most likely will be the greatest
amount of freedom of their lives while they are in their twenties,"
says Dr. Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, a research associate professor
in the department of human development at the University of Maryland
and author of the newly published book, "Emerging Adulthood:
The Winding Road from Late Teens through the Twenties."
This concept of "emerging adulthood" is a relatively
new phenomenon linked to industrialized countries, and Arnett
argues that it grew out of four main social changes:
• Later ages of marriage and parenthood.
• Longer and more widespread education.
• Birth control, fewer children.
• Acceptance of premarital sexuality, cohabitation.
While young people 50 years ago were often eager to "settle
down," Arnett says that an increasing number of today's 20-somethings
view adult responsibilities as perils to be avoided.
"Adulthood happens to everyone, but I don't want it to happen
to me yet," says 21-year-old Mike Myers, an education major
at Buffalo State College who lives with his parents in Lancaster.
"When you're a grown-up, you get all this responsibility
and have to start acting like an adult, whatever that is,"
adds Myers' girlfriend, 22-year-old Janine Ziccarelli, also an
education major at Buffalo State who lives with her parents in
Lancaster.
"There is a sense that attaining adult status is a resignation
to the disillusion of your dreams," says Arnett. Whenever
young people complain about work, there's always an adult nearby
to say, "Welcome to the real world."
"If I had a dollar for every time an adult says that to me,
I'd never have to work again!" says 22-year-old Anthony Palma,
a 2004 Canisius grad who showed up on his parents' doorstep this
past May. Palma is one of the lucky new grads who secured a "grown-up"
job before graduation, but not before savoring a little fun. The
accounting firm Palma works for allowed him to choose starting
work in the spring or in August. Palma opted for August.
"My buddies and I are all sort of having our last summer
together," he said before he started work. "You know,
before all the career responsibility starts." A bunch of
them picked up and went to Mexico recently in addition to a few
weekend trips to places like Toronto for a Dave Matthews concert.
"My family is always like, 'Oh, wait till you start your
job and then the real world will start.' "
Arnett believes the statement, "Welcome to the real world,"
is indicative of how adults feel about the trend of emerging adulthood.
"Adults generally admire this time period while they're simultaneously
impatient with it," he says. " 'Welcome to the real
world' is synonymous with 'Life is not going to be as you expect
it.' "
"Adulthood is synonymous with being old, and no one wants
to get old and have their life become monotonous and boring,"
adds 23-year-old Lisa Malchow of Hamburg, a 2004 grad who chose
to live with her parents through her college years.
From song titles like Bruce Springsteen's "Glory Days"
and Bryan Adams' "Summer of '69" to Botox injections
and Rogaine commercials, our culture is definitely youth obsessed.
It's no wonder that so many of today's youth don't want to grow
up.
Myers says that age is a state of mind, so if adulthood is seen
as the equivalent of getting old, then it's not unreasonable to
say that adulthood can also be seen as a state of mind. "You're
not an old grown-up until you're boring and don't want to do anything,"
adds Ziccarelli.
Not all 20-somethings see adulthood as the end of their lives,
though. Lauren Rozanski, a 20-year-old senior at Buff State, says,
"Everyone ages -- why spend time fearing the inevitable?"
This emerging adult lives on her own in Buffalo and enjoys a new
relationship with her parents.
"My relationship with my parents has grown immensely since
I've been living independently," she says. "Now that
I have more responsibilities, financial and otherwise ('you mean
the garbage doesn't walk itself out to the curb on garbage day?
Actually, when is garbage day?'), I respect my parents so much
more."
Rozanski may feel like a grown-up, but she's approaching the minority.
In a 2004 reader poll conducted by JANE, a national magazine with
82 percent women and 18 percent men aged 18 to 34 as their demographic
base, it was reported that 95 percent of readers said they felt
grown up when asked in 1997, but in 2004, only 53 percent felt
like grown-ups. Twenty-one percent polled said that they lived
at home, and 47 percent said that their parents slip them cash.
"We're like boarders except our parents pay the bills and
buy the food," says Myers. Even though he and Ziccarelli
live at home, they consider themselves self-sufficient. "I
don't like my parents paying for everything," says Myers.
"I've been working since I was 14." Ziccarelli does
her own laundry and makes dinner. "If my parents go out of
town, I run the house smoothly, so I'll be fine when I move out
someday," she says.
"As a young adult, Janine is still in school," says
Ziccarelli's mother, Karen. "(My husband and I) would like
to see her get a job and still live at home for a year or so,
enabling her to save some money and get a new car before she would
even consider to move out."
Palma is quite content at home in Lancaster for the time being.
"My parents are good about giving me my space," he says.
When asked if his 4 a.m. weekend outings bug his parents, he assures,
"Nah, my parents are used to it. If I didn't come home at
4 a.m. on a Saturday night, they would wonder what was going on."
"I don't really like when (he) comes home at 4 a.m.,"
says Palma's mom, Linda, "mostly because I am always worrying
about the other guy on the road."
For those emerging adults who move back home, Arnett says that
it won't cause parents too much stress as long as it's for short
intervals. "Parents are used to having kids around,"
he says, "and honestly, you're a lot more likable at 25 than
at 15."
"We told our kids that they were welcome to come back after
they graduated from college so they could get on their feet financially,"
adds Linda Palma. Considering that the average student loan debt
keeps increasing, perhaps emerging adults in college are better
off living at home.
According to an article published on CNNmoney.com in October 2003,
the median undergrad student loan debt has risen 74 percent since
1997 to $16,500, while grad students now borrow an additional
$31,700 on average on top of their undergrad loans, a 51 percent
increase since 1997. Palma's 25-year-old sister also lives at
home and just finished up her master's and is teaching full-time
in Hamburg. "My sister paid off her student loan, she's into
her career and she's on her way," he says.
"As far as the freedoms 20-somethings have, they should go
along with some responsibilities," says Karen Ziccarelli.
"I would not put up with a 20+-year-old living at home if
they were not trying to better themselves. They would not live
off me and my husband without a good reason."
Ashbery, the Buffalo State College student who lays her head to
rest in casa de mom and dad, plans to remain with her father and
stepmother, for the near future anyway. She said she is on the
eight-year college plan and has recently decided that she wants
to be a math teacher. This emerging adult works part-time and
goes to school full-time.
She is quick to note, however, that she does her own laundry,
buys her own food and she's rarely home except to shower and sleep.
"If my father and stepmother put a mint on my pillow, I'd
be living in a hotel," she jokes. "And once I do decide
to move out, I know I can never go back."
Myers agrees. "Moving out and then having to move back would
feel like failure. Once I'm out, I want to be out for good."
And out soon if he's lucky.
"My mom yells at me to clean my room," he says. "I
live in the basement. No one sees my room. If I'm living at home
when I'm 24 or 25, I'll shoot myself."
"My dad says he can't wait for me to move out so he can come
over for dinner," says Ziccarelli. "Until then, I can
stay home, but he says, 'When I'm 70, you better take me in and
not put me in a nursing home.' "
Does Malchow think she'll be leaving the nest anytime soon? "Well,"
she says, "my mom says she wants to buy a condo in Florida
and kick me out, but I wouldn't want to come home to an empty
house, and I can't think of anyone my age that I'd like to live
with."
While it may take my generation a little bit longer to be comfortable
calling ourselves grown-ups, we'll get there. A married woman
at the ripe old age of 25, I arrive at my parents' house carrying
a laundry basket, inquiring about dinner, and revel in my newfound
independence.
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